I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
