I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
