Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
