We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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