my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
