This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Randomize
