Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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