Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
