Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
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