When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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