and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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