dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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