Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
