hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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