My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize