I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
