Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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