I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
