If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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