her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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