Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
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