i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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