The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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