Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
