Having a random hookup so left but love u
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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