Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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