my mouth tastes like poor choices
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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