Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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