I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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