She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
