im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
