I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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