the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
