So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
