Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
