I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You dont lie about slip and slides
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
