??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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