remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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