GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
