Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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