I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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