My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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