So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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