Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
