Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Shame - the story of my life.
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