i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
