I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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