I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
