She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
