Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
