I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
