there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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