I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
