2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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