Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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