OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
