yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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