Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I think my fart just growled at me.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
