i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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