We won't sleep together?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
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